You probably got into coaching because you wanted to help make people's lives better. Those that go into the coaching / mentoring /self-improvement /etc. industry are people who want to make a difference.
Maybe you experienced something dramatic in your life and you wanted to share the positive change with others. Maybe you have a specialized skill that can help others. Maybe you are like me and the “light-bulb moments” of your clients are what charge you up.
I don't know of any coach that has gotten into the business because they wanted to tear people down.
Yet, lately, I've been really frustrated listening to story after story of people that have hired a coach/mentor and invested thousands of dollars only to have something stolen from them.
The theft is not something that can be reported to the police and prosecuted, although I would argue it is much more valuable than anything with a monetary value.
They are being robbed of their personal power.
Personal power is both the internal and the external strength a person has. It's a combination of our self-esteem, self-concept, self-trust, and how well we are able to apply it to our own lives independently.
It's okay and human to need help. One of my biggest mistakes early on in my business was being too pride-filled and not asking for help. We all have different talents, knowledge, and skills and can help one another grow and prosper.
People hire coaches so that they can become stronger.
In my life I have hired a number of different coaches to get stronger:
- physically,
- in marketing skills,
- in communication skills,
- in my singing,
- even in my ability to be a good dog owner, though they called that a dog training,
- etc.
The best leaders around the world (in government, business, sports, and entertainment) have advisors and get advice and coaching. None of them do it on their own.
So, why is it that some coaches (the new and quite experienced) feel that they must steal someone else's power in order to hold their own?
Why is it that some people getting coached/mentored allow their power to be stolen?
Consider: There is a difference between seeking advice and seeking approval. One is powerful and one gives up power. Knowing where your client is coming from so that you can shift the dynamic if necessary is key.
Here are some signs that you may be making this mistake with your clients:
- Are you energized by the drama or crisis mode of your clients?
- Do you enjoy your clients needing you?
- When asked a question by your client, do you immediately give an answer?
- Do you phrase things specifically to work your own agenda “for your client?”
- Have you found yourself “wanting more” for your client than they want for themselves or defining what they should want?
- Do you try to get your clients to change to fit into the picture of what you think they should be?
- Do you get gratification in being your client's hero?
- Do you have a difficult time taking responsibility when you have made a mistake or given bad advice to your client?
- Have you found yourself talking about one client negatively to someone else?
- Do you judge your clients?
Allowing your clients to own their own power and trust what they know, while giving them an opening to receive help and perspective is the most powerful position you can hold as an effective coach/mentor.
It is completely possible to be an influential leader and still empower those that hire you. To lift them up and show them when they are making good decisions without you.
But you have to do one thing to make that happen for you. You have to let go of your ego. Your need to be right. You need to always be the one with the answers.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your client is to help them see that they already have the answers. Help them learn how to tap into their brilliance.
I'd love to know what you think.
What techniques do you use to empower your clients?
Have you ever felt dis-empowered by a coach/mentor?
Have you ever had a coach/mentor that helped you claim your power? What was that like?
It's in the conversation that we can all learn and grow, so I encourage you to share freely!
Until we talk again,
Live Fully — Love Openly — Laugh Often — Leverage Your Brilliance — Connect Authentically — Get Your Message Out — Serve with Impact — Prosper Everyday
Andrea Feinberg says
So glad you waited to temper your thoughts! Way back there in coaching school, I learned that one of the distinctions between coaching and consulting is that the former is about the ‘who’ and the latter is about the ‘what’. Going further with that distinction, the client is the expert on ‘who’ they are and the coach’s role is to nudge more of that unique set of qualities from them to apply to the next level of growth they’d like to take. And, regardless of my perspective and experience, it’s my role to hold their agenda and priorities for them and guide them to pursue them in a powerful way.
When it comes to the ‘what’, however, typically the consultant is the expert and is the primary reason they’re hired – to apply their know-how about a subject to a client’s problem or bungled opportunity.
When the coach implies s/he has a greater level of expertise on what the client ‘should’ do or how they ‘should’ change they’ve ‘jumped the shark’ and moved from professional standards of coaching into ego-land; worse yet, they’re unskilled in the arena Thomas Leonard defined as the province of professional coaching: human communication.
While some clients may request that kind of push rather than the partnership that is the coaching hallmark, that’s best provided through a professional therapeutic process, not a coaching relationship.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Andrea – Thanks for chiming in! Well said.
Adding to your thoughts: I’ve had formal training on coaching, consulting and training and use all 3 approaches in my book of work.
Even when you are consulting, there is a way to deliver the necessary information in a way that allows the client the final choice. It’s largely in the delivery of your communication. A good consultant will present the problem as diagnosed, make a recommended course of action and provide the reasons for the suggestion. The client has the option to then go with the recommendation or not. It’s similar to how a doctor might work with a patient.
Brenda Spandrio says
Very thought-provoking post.
Ego kills business. Even if you ARE right, trying to prove it with a client or customer is going to backfire.
I’ve learned to stop saying “you ‘should'” to clients. I now say, “I recommend you try…” and then give them a definite time frame to see if that particular tool or action does work for THEM. I also help them evaluate WHY something does not (or does) work. I think the way I empower clients is by helping them to understand how they think. Then we can work from there to establish techniques and tools that fit with their personality and habits.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Thank you Brenda! My intention was to inspire though. 🙂
You’ve shared some great examples and perspective on how to allow the client to maintain their power.
Gail Roddy says
Hi Stephanie,
My 18 years mentoring is with adolescents. Of course that’s an entirely different brain and life issues to coach. I always find myself “wanting more” for them than many want for themselves and that is a struggle. It is fulfilling to be their hero when many have few or no heroes to turn to. Still, even more so with adolescents, I know it’s important to walk that fine line with inspiring them to find their way that resides within.
You brought up some great points and I thank you for them.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Gail –
It’s great to see you here today. Thank you for dedicating your life to our youth. Adolescence is a transformative and often turbulent time in life. Having positive influences is critical.
Let’s go a bit deeper into the two items you brought up.
An effective coach is also a leader that knows that there is an knowing soul in each individual. She/he is more interested in empowering than changing. Wanting something more for someone is ok. Helping them see their true worth so that they can create their own vision of a wonderful future is even better. Holding the space for them and believing in them until and after they can believe in themselves is different than holding a specific vision and trying to get them to buy into your vision.
Someone looking up to you and calling you their hero is different than you wanting to be the hero. The desire to be a positive role model is powerful. Someone that they can choose to model after. Building systems where you want them to have “hero worship” because you are above them is not. Role models are a type of person that you can aspire to be like. You can see the possibility.
Thoughts?
Gail Roddy says
Excellent feedback. Yes, you absolutely clarified. The difference in someone looking to you as their hero because you’ve exhibited positive role modeling, and you wanting to be above someone and look down on them is night and day!
Debra Jason says
People turn to me seeking guidance. The first step before offering any guidance is to be a good listener. Once your client feels heard, they are more open to not only sharing more & more with you, but to receiving what you have to share.
It is a collaborative effort – a partnership designed to bring out the best in your clients. It’s not about forcing your ideas on them, but as you suggested, helping them see their value and follow their heart’s message.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Beautifully said Debra. Thank you for sharing.
Tai Goodwin says
This is why it’s so important to choose carefully who we allow to sow into us. I’ve run into a few “experts” like this and have even have had a few colleagues like this. I say – pause the relationship, not your vision.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Tai – Thanks for dropping by. Yes, sometimes it is easy to get caught up in marketing copy or the energy at an event and begin to think that you need what is being sold. Sometimes we do, but at other times it is a good solution but not for us. Understanding our true needs and the best way for us to receive is important.
Lisa Mallis says
Great post, Stephanie! Your list of 10 “are you doing this” is certainly thought provoking.
As I looked at your post through my perspective as a time management coach, and then tried to put myself in the shoes of one of my “very busy clients” (their words!) I find at times I fall into the “wanting more for my client than they want for themselves” category.
I believe everyone deserves to live a life where they feel in control of their choices throughout the day. I also believe that it is possible for each person to live a life where they feel in control of their choices throughout the day. Because of this belief – I feel I can often see potential that my clients don’t yet see – and I want that sense of ease and accomplishment for them. I’m not sure I view this as a negative.
Instead, I view this as holding the space for my clients to accomplish more than they may have originally thought possible. (Of course, this thought process is based on the fact that I take each client at their word when they say they want to live a life that is less stressed, more balanced, and more relaxed. If this isn’t their true desire, then I certainly can see how I could be “pushing” them in a direction they aren’t ready to go. . . or imposing my agenda on them.)
What do you think? Could “wanting more for a client than they want for themselves” be similar to “wanting more for a client than they think they are capable of achieving”? Or – is it just holding the space for them to achieve BIG things?!
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Lisa – Love your push back question. It gives me the opportunity to dive deeper into my own thoughts on this topic.
To me, there is a difference between
– seeing potential, seeing greatness and holding the space for someone to be their BIGGER self (you have experienced that I’m all about that!)
and
– wanting something the other person isn’t really looking for.
It’s about intention and focus.
Helping a client see what they are capable of is totally different than bullying them to doing something they are not ready for. It can often be a fine line.
For example, the other day I was talking to a person who calls herself a coach. She said, “Clients should be good resume builders. I push my clients to charge more and do more. They may not like me, but in the end they see it my way or they leave.” In talking further with this person, it seems that her method for moving someone forward was manipulation and guilt. She “saw” where she wanted them to go and pushed to get them there. That isn’t healthy.
There are slews of people today that are in businesses that don’t match who they are because the coach saw them doing things that were simply not in alignment with who they are.
In your examples it seems that the clients have already told you they want the freedom that you can help them achieve. You help them see possibilities of how that can happen.
Checking your motivation around what you are doing and thinking is really key.
Here is another example.
I was talking with a new client recently who changed coaches for this very thing. She wanted her coach to help her figure out a marketing strategy for her business. This client is quite dynamic and excellent on stages. Because of this, the former coach wanted her on a buch of stages and traveling and speaking. She could “see” her selling from the stage and doing really well. After meeting this person, I agreed with the former coach that would be an excellent plan. However, there was a glaring problem with it. The client did not like traveling and her priorities were to be home with her family and ailing parents. She didn’t want that vision of travel speaking. The coach wanted it more than she did and kept pushing her to “think bigger.” The reality to this particular story is that you can “think bigger” and grow a business in a number of different ways.
Another example
Time management coach (not you!) felt that everyone should be able to live in a digital world. It worked great for her. She saw the ease it brought her to have everything at her fingertips on her device. Because of this she wanted all her clients to have the same ease. Every time she came up to a client that liked their paper planner she would try to change them. She wanted the switch to digital more than they did.
Do those examples help?
Lisa Mallis says
Stephanie –
Thanks for providing those three examples. I can certainly see your point with these distinctions! In fact – I’m wondering if there isn’t another blog post or two lurking in here somewhere!!!
So . . . my big take-away from this very excellent post is to really examine my motivation when I’m brainstorming solutions with clients. I can suggest – but not be married to the outcome. Ultimately the decisions are theirs.
AND . . . as a paper planner, paper calendar, paper task list gal, I cringe at anyone trying to switch me digital!!!!
Thanks for the reality check, and the clarity! You are AWESOME!
Lisa
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Great takeaway Lisa.
(Grin.) Knowing your love of paper, I figured that example would help you feel the other side of the coin. ツ
Emilie Shoop says
This post made me really think. So much so that I had to take some time to think and THEN come back and comment!
Recently, I went through an experience where I was giving up my personal power to my coach. I wanted to follow her direction and do the hard work necessary in order to be successful. While technically the strategies worked, the misalignment with who I was at the core and what would work for me over the long run started to take over and take a toll on my business. It started to feel like I was working FOR my coach and couldn’t make a move without running the idea past her. That’s NOT what I went into business on my own to do.
It confused me about coaching and the value of it.
It confused me about the value of coaching I was giving my clients.
Going through those questions, I can see where many times they happened to me. I couldn’t see it in the moment, but I can see it clearly now that I am not working with her. They made me step back and say “wow”.
It’s funny, as a leadership coach, I would NOT want the leaders I work with exhibiting these. But, in my own business, I didn’t see what was happening for quite some time.
And that is what a GOOD coach will do, right Stephanie? Help you see the blind-spots!
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Emilie –
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have learned a lot! Yes, that is what a good coach will do. Help you see your true potential and help you to own your own power. Glad that you are stepping into that now! It is exactly what I mean when I say SERVE WITH IMPACT. 🙂
From this experience, is there anything you will do differently in your own coaching business?
Emilie Shoop says
TONS! The biggest one that jumps out is feeling the need to have THE answer. To be the all knowing solution provider. That’s not good leadership, and it’s not good coaching! 🙂
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Oh that is a good one Emilie.
Joyce Slaughter says
Love this comment. I have experienced the same with some of my coaches. It has taken awhile to notice the patterns. Once I did, I realized I kept choosing the wrong coaches for me. I kept choosing coaches who wanted to put me into particular boxes or methodology.
Much like a dating relationship, I had to take a hard look at what kind of people I was hiring, and why. And then make a few breakups.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Hi Joyce
I’m glad you were able to recognize the patterns you had in hiring people to support you. There are a lot of really good coaches doing business. There are also a lot of people that are trying to make copies of themselves. And coaches that simply don’t realize that they’re taking the power away from their clients. Being really clear and understanding what you need in the coach is a critical first step when hiring.
Rod says
As a trainer of coaches I found your article to be refreshing. We often stop looking or evaluating our own performance as a coach when we allow ourselves to feel “OK I’ve been doing this for a while now and I know what is best for you…”
The coach opens the doors, he/she does not bamboozle the client into following the coaches pathway; as a coach you do not create a co dependancy but rather nurture self sufficiency with a healthy dose of truthful confidence.
Thank you for this narrative – appreciated
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Rod – Thank you for visiting from Twitter and for retweeting this post. I agree with your philosophy on healthy coaching. Some are better than others in supporting self-sufficiency or even recognising that is the goal. In your practice, how do you help coaches to know how to do that? I welcome your tips for readers of this post.
Sue West says
Excellent compare/contrast of coaching versus being “the expert,” as these were called during my coach training. This internal process of letting go was one of the most useful takeaways from coaching classes. What a better work/personal life one can have by letting go and being curious instead. Then we can discover the best of each other, the strengths, unique characteristics, and what we each have to give.
Your question about techniques to empower: I’d say listening deeply and carefully for where there is a spark of strength which I can point out to start a conversation. Working on strategies together so clients can practice, observe, refine and prove to themselves what is possible with the right strategies. Taking time to learn from what did not work, or what they could not start, or could not finish, etc. so the this is not “another failure,” but some win came out of it. Evidence supports belief in oneself which supports empowerment.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Sue,
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your wisdom. Yes! Listening deeply is extremely powerful. So many listen just enough to think of their next response rather than to truly get the gems.
Joyce Slaughter says
One thing I experienced last year was that some coaches will become really negative if you, the client, feel you need to walk away because of alignment issues.
I quit a coach, a mentor, a friend, and a mastermind last year because of this exact situation. The coach very strongly pushed for certain activities that were really excellent – for someone else. They were not in alignment with where I was in my business at the time, or even with the type of business I have, and certainly not with the direction I wanted to take it. The work was labor intensive and couldn’t be rationalized. When I questioned why I should do the activities, I was given statistics of how it had worked for other people, in other industries, but no reasoning of why the work could be useful for me. Then I was asked if I believed I was coachable. The implication being that I was not. In the end, it left me feeling a bit resentful. And it took me a few weeks to recover from feeling like a failure. I had to both go back to a former coach for insight and hire a new coach to move beyond.
You should never need to hire a coach to recover from a coach.
We don’t always have the words we need to convey this to the coach and a part of their job is to make sure we aren’t avoiding the hard work and sticking our head in the sand.
As both a client and a coach, I find that it can be really challenging to find that fine line between challenging the client to overcome their obstacles and forcing them to follow a path that isn’t true to them.
As the client, it can feel like quitting on the one hand or staying just because you made a commitment on the other hand. Either can be painful.
Ultimately, for me, it comes down to employing the ‘two ears, one mouth’ heart centered approach. Whether I am the client of the coach. As the client, you really have to listen to those subtle cues in your body – does the work challenge you, bring you butterflies, engage you? It should.
Great post. I am saving this in my ‘Pocket’ to re-read on a regular basis. Thanks Steph.
Stephanie LH Calahan says
It’s about clarity, right? Group coaching programs are fantastic if you pick one that is in alignment. By their nature, you don’t receive one-on-one support. That is the price you pay to be in a group.
If the coach is doing really transformational work, there will be points of discomfort. The savvy coach can see the difference between alignment issues and true growth pain.
Lisa says
Really loved this post and the truly fantastic points to reflect on, for anyone who helps others.
I completely agree with all the points and comments below, such great insight!
The interesting thing I have found as a coach, is that many of my clients have very big dreams and come to me to help them create them. So I work to help them to achieve these complex and amazing visions. However, very few of them reach full completion of that dream and what I learned is that, this is totally okay. It took me awhile to understand this. Everyone is on their own path and has their own lessons. Just because they don’t follow through or achieve what they set out to, does not mean they or I failed in anyway. I came to see that the process they took working toward their dream, helped them grow in so many ways and lead them toward their more authentic path. They grew, they changed, they evolved, they learned and so did I. We are all here to help each other grow and learn. I learned that success or the fulfillment of a dream is not necessary. Often what the client starts off wanting, is not for their highest good in the end. They shift and change and I have learned to help them allow this to happen and support them through these changes. The best thing a coach or consultant can do is notice when a client dream shifts or their energy and ficus shift to follow their more authentic path and help them to follow the shift. Not to focus on the original outcome. Beautiful reflection. Thank you!
Stephanie LH Calahan says
Hi Lisa
Thanks so much for stopping by! I agree. Original visions sometimes come to full reality as originally dreamed up and other times transform into something totally different. That’s awesome that you have been able to see where you could adjust your work to the benefit of your clients.