Are You a People-Pleaser? Discover the Resentment Test for Better Choices!

This week, I had a COMPASS Session with someone reviewing a document outlining agreement terms between them and two other people.

Three items concerned them, and they were trying to decide how to respond.

We identified several possible response choices, and then they said,

{sigh} “Ug, I keep leaning into people-pleasing on this. I don't want them upset at the beginning of this relationship.”

Time for a Focus Shift

At this point, I knew the conversation needed to shift to allow them to be in a place where they could decide what they wanted to do.

We reviewed past choices they had made, in which they said “yes” (people pleasing) when they wanted to say “no.”

I then asked them to review the success of those choices.

In every instance where they were not truthful with themselves, those instances where they tried to convince themselves that saying “yes” would turn out ok even when everything on the inside was screaming “no,” the situations did not end well.

Why Would Saying “Yes” Result in Less Desirable Outcomes?

It is because our body knows.

Whenever you say “yes” when you mean “no,” you carry a little resentment into the situation.

You do that enough, and resentment builds.

You do that enough, and new neural pathways and a HABIT of resentment form.

You may not even realize it.

But that resentment sitting in your subconscious is impacting how you ultimately behave.

And behavior influenced by resentment rarely comes from the best version of you.

The Good News is that You Can Be Good to Others While ALSO Being Good to Yourself

** If you tend to lean into “people pleasing,” remember you are a person too. Your decisions should include your perspective. **

How About You Try the Resentment Test?

It is not something you'll get a grade on, but it might be one of the most important tests you can give yourself, especially if you are a people pleaser or perfectionist.

Here is how it works:

You are posed with a question, opportunity, or decision.

Rather than simply saying “yes,” because that will make everyone else happy or speed things along, do the Resentment Test.

(You may want to close your eyes to tap into listening to yourself better.)

Ask yourself:
“If I say ‘yes' to this, will I feel any resentment, even a little?”

If you determine that you will feel resentment, say “no” to that version.

Ask yourself:
“Could we alter this situation so I would not feel resentment?”

If you think there is, offer that solution as an alternative.

That is it. That is the Resentment Test.

It is simple but not necessarily easy because many of us are not in the habit of listening to ourselves.

Over time, you will build new neural pathways that allow you to consider yourself when making decisions.

You Can Slow Down Your Decision-Making and Try It.

The individual struggling with their decision got quiet for a few minutes and did the Resentment Test. They explored all the possible options and had one clear choice.

They had solved their dilemma, and they closed out our conversation so that they could send a response.

P.S.🌟 My COMPASS Sessions are one-off troubleshooting and clarity sessions that I offer every few weeks, and they fill up fast! These casual conversations feel like chatting with a friend, where you can experience those “aha” moments and move forward easily and joyfully. 🌟

If that sounds interesting to you, let me know.